My Blog

I CHOSE TO LIVE NOTE.

Sometimes life is so hard that even sleep looks like a demon favouring all your scars, you run away from it, it chases you and you give up because it’s all you have, it’s like a guilty pleasure even if it’s wrong you want to have it because it looks like morphine- a sedative.

There are many people around us who affect our lives in one way or another but there is a time when we measure all of it and we judge ourselves according to what they wanted us to be, if we are not the one what they wanted us to be, there is a guilt inside us for being what we wanted to be and this way we become a zero despite being something.

There is a time when all our pain are compiled by us and what’s left is nothing but guilt, guilt of being a bad child, a bad friend, a bad lover and above all a bad human and that’s the time when you choose others over you, when you choose to accept all that they said about you, when you choose to accept that you are over, when you choose to accept no more you are valuable to this world, when you choose to die before your time and it’s called SUICIDE.

We included me too but I chose to live, I chose the sun over failure, I chose the moon over demons, I chose the sky over expectations, I chose me over you, I chose to breathe.

My life has always been a dark sky owning thunderstorm with pride, rainbow used to be far away from me because I used to be the Mumbai.

Excess of pain has nothing to do with happiness because 3/4th of the pain is man-made you have to bear it because you allowed it.

Not everything happens as you have planned because it’s life, it’s not a child.

Academic, failure and fear are part of our life, they just ask you to be strong when the season is not that bright, the problem is people want us to be cold in summer and that’s quite uncomfortable. But being a human our feelings and emotions sometimes misguides us and we chase them because we love them, we listen to them because they love us, we work on their expectation because they might leave or stop loving us if we are not the one, the one who is perfectly fitting in their definition of perfection.

Expectation, failure, fear forms a combo and haunts us till our good days, we expect another day to be full of flowers in spite of being a flower, they say you are ugly we start brightening our face, they say you are fat and we stop eating, they say be a doctor or an engineer and we start killing our dream that we craved for from beginning, they say you are normal and we start doing something extraordinary, they say you don’t deserve love and we believe them, they say you don’t belong to this world and we choose to die.

“All what they say is a big fucking lie because no one literally no one is born with all the traits that look great”. There was a time in my life when everything exceeded its limit and I was left with nothing but anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, I just wanted to stop, I wanted to end everything but something magical stopped me and it was my love for me, I wanted to continue loving me, I wanted to give every happiness to me, I wanted to make my dreams come true and that day I realized “no one is born perfect they just flaunt perfect” and we are such a fool that we find it cool”.

It’s difficult because at that moment everything and everyone looks like a demon who just want more of you and you are tired of giving, they provoke you with the help of flashbacks, all the bad things, memories, bad words, everything attacks you and you feel that it’s easy to quit rather than living with them but I am telling you the easiest way to survive and it’s setting every demon on fire through the light in your eyes, the light here I am talking about is the real you who is different, who is unique, who has flaws and that what makes perfect looks like an illusion because “we are imperfectly perfect in our perfectly imperfect world”.

Remember what I am going to say while giving up on your life, the reason that is making you kill yourself will die tomorrow if you choose to live today, trust me on this, you will thank me later.

Lastly, I would like to share the two lines I wrote, it was immediately after the chaos I proudly handled, just a token of love it was to my new beginning,

“Last night I swallowed all the darkness of my room and today I am the moon.”

-Diksha Suman

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